Dear

You're one of the many ghosts that haunt me, but I suppose I don't mind seeing as I did still get those last fleeting days with you. What we had was something I waited years for. Essentially, it should have been my entire world. 

Should have, but something twisted it's golden little grin, and swept you off your feet faster than the earth could open up to swallow you whole. And I'm often reminded of you in the small, quiet moments. An example is months ago, the walk I took after almost running away for the third time that week. My sister told me to kill myself, I greatly considered her suggestion. 

I know, the air was cold and I'd forgotten a sweater, something I never, ever do. And Calio...I'm not sure if that's how you spell it, but that's how it sounds. He interrupted, asking if I'd mind if he walked beside me. 

One of the nicest and most heartbreaking moments I remember, the same exact way I felt when you Hugged me. I capitalize that word because I consider it the name of one of the most important events in my life. Sure, a hug isn't really much of anything, but that hug brought you into my life, and my life solely. 

Well, the point is Calio spent the hour telling me what a beautiful girl I was. As well as asking why I was still alone. This was after you were gone, of course. 

I remember telling him that I just...hadn't found someone yet, and thinking, well I had, but he's gone. We sat on the rocks near the water and watched the waves collide with stone just below us. And no matter how nice this all was, how candid this moment...it reminded me too much of you. 

The lovely things in life make me want to cry now. 

You really have done a nice thing for me. You know that? You made everything bearable, and then you killed yourself. And no, I can't bare it at all.