The iron bars as I sleep holding me back from waking entirely.
They tell me to "wake up! wake up!"
but I cannot,     will not                      understand that within these shaded eyes I'm harsher
inside.         Understand that I am not all right
and              more now as opposed to then
I'm darker
inside;;    
like night
and everything sleeps at night.

This isn't enough anymore. Keep trying, they say, but for what?

Smashing the piano, and screaming. And that is the reality of my music now. TEARING up pages, and crying. That is the reality of my words. Silent solitude inside my heart, and trembling. That is the reality of my flight.
Who are we?-who am I?
What can you say that will make it better?- but this isn't your job and you feel trapped. I am sorry. I know those words are versatile, and seldom mean much, but they have my whole heart, if there's anything left.
I am so, so sorry you got pulled into this.
None of this is your problem.
I am not your problem.
I never was.

to them

EVEN IF IT'S SOMETHING SO LOUD. no one else seems to hear it. EVEN IF IT'S SOMETHING SO LARGE. no one else seems to see it. EVEN IF IT HURTS SO MUCH. no one ELSE seems to feel it at all. BUT EVEN THOUGH IT'S PERFECTLY REAL. to them it's just nothing

voice

No voice, louder than
well nothing because you're all gone.
and talking to yourself doesn't count as an audience,
even if you are many voices at once.
A chorus, but all they see is one person.

Trapper

Smaller than
these demons who are teeth and bones are raw
Sized by fear we're tiny
who are hiding from our scars.
Smaller than our stories
and our maps of wrinkled words.
Cameras and in ink we have been
pictured by the world.

and finding.

I've been a million miles away
someplace you'll never know
but what it takes to get there
is years of sailing boats.

Over the ocean and down the pool
past whirls of ravenous hate.
The thoughts you'll cross
along this path
are the ones you cannot take.

It's people in shadows and monsters in trees
with cats and with claws and with multiple mes.
I you cannot take it I think you should leave.
These are not real people but our thoughts unleashed.

Now that you mentioned I have gone mad past flickering lights
and past ticking clocks. Now that you ask I figure you're RIGHT
that's what this is but this is the fear we from hide. So tell me please
who's after my socks; tell me who's after what think I have thoughts
tell me who's chasing my toes are on fire-- and tell me before my
tan map should expire.
Lest I get more lost before I get found.
Dogs are just wolves and people just hounds--
they told me in aeons that people are dead
but what are these thoughts which say NOW in my head?

When I was out of things to say

To feel like asking them just now, if they care...asking them to say something before I let go because
it's different now. It's unbearable now. It's after me now like a lion hunting, like a wolf cashing.
it's different now
how the distance has us fooled, how the memories have us caught in spider webs of auto-play.
How I have no control, oh god it's so different and I just feel like begging you

to care just this once so I don't do it.
So I leave myself alone because I need that. Isolation. Mistaken for...human, I think that's what they said.
But they misunderstood me. I could go right now. I could JUST LET GO but
as always you're holding me back.
Of course I scare myself. I'm scared, and tired of being cryptic because I can't do it anymore. Any of this.
It isn't screaming that's after me now
it's screaming that chases it out.
The whispers are fucking silent but my bones are like electric gravity
falling down
and

I'm falling too
but a bit too far
to recover.

And I

To describe you I really need a smile
and red roses without their thorns.
Like a monster you're screaming
inside my head. my heart is torn, torn
torn.
To describe you I really need a beat
and a melody on fragile keys.
You are the armour that keeps me safe
the skin that's surrounding me.
But to hold you I of course need life
something burned in the fires I've passed.
I am hiding, hoping I can change
or praying this moment will last.
Ten more seconds I think
before I die, and it's obviously going to be fine.
If you keep me conscious long enough
I promise I'll try not to cry.

over you

Like a monster eyes glowing
breaking everyone.
me.
I'll break me.

Parasite love

I remember when you promised me we'd get books written in memory
of our greatness. The claims you held close to your heart about fame
and fortune. The lies you told according to the things I will always
seek. Oh, of course I remember what you said in that letter, too
That letter you wrote me? "But I don't know if..." IF. You...
do know ifs haunt me, right? If, if, if. It's all people ever
say these days, and I am growing so tired. See me, 
I'd begged. Do you see me now, though? Can
you ever look at me again? I  know I can't
but you're my armour, my skin. I am
embedded in you like a parasite
of course you should get me
out. Purify your wounds
but...you love me?
& I love you.
Which is
probably why
I go looking for
you, in boys and girls
with a death wish. It's got
to be the reason for all my wrong
doing, the threats I wish upon myself?
She told me she was half my type, by love
but not by sight, because I guess it really matters
what we look like outside out. Facing the world, oh
definitely. She'd always said to drink up and wake up, like
something was wrong with dreaming. So I promised her the stars
because good girls always land among the stars. In heaven, but I was
                                                                                                         never good enough for heaven, non.

24

If there's a flame she said
let it burn until it catches
The curtains and inklings
of elsewhere you hold
so dear
ly in your head.
If you're so lucky as to
have a flame
let it burn the ghosts you find owning you
the past
the nothings that haunt you.

I have a flame
she told me once
I didn't believe her but look who escaped?

Nothing isn't the answer
there is no answer.

Mother Earth

We've given our hearts to the stars, we say, and kick dirt over bones
grows grass over graves.
We've given our soul to the moon and mars, but we do not care,
for the planet that's ours.

FOR RAYCHEL

Nature
winds undo me
cobwebs stirring
spiders grazing
like cattle    it's one  black  demon
with red rosy belly --like Santa
Carosel    How do you spell
the monsters in my head
grazing my thoughts
on
endless fields
they wield
like cows with straw
they're gone
mindless

                     a
mindless I

thoughts (they ate;

heavily under

How do I fight the fog that consumes me?
Nothing's raw, but sealed over wounds
silver scars
in battle to fight
there's no one to kill
it's dull it's bleak it's faceless
who am I fighting?

The darkness, light--no
this is GREY area
where everything is choiceless
continuation:of the last five years
thenextfive years
everything is mixed and stirred and restless
moving inchbyinch

I am Stillness
                     (pleased to meet you mr.NOBODY)
                      let's give in

HERE

We'll do our best to forget

the stormy nights 

where time had stopped

If you promise not to remember

when I said those

three

small

words

raw. r

Well outgoing? -well that's great? -well we're screaming?
it's too late.

Moonlight

From under the water

I opened my eyes

and pastfuturepresent

removed it's disguise

of death and of dying,

oh what a surprise

my lungs were still working

like sunshine at night. 

the world is ending over here

Calmly, to yourself, "these flames aren't real and they can't hurt me."

Summerbility

Somewhere in summerland

(summer of paper

dolls on 

string)                             I have my very own

sumerhouse

with a summer garden

summer flowers

summerthingreal. (it’s a summerthing)

and somewhere in my summer dollhouse

sings summer tunes on shelvings

with plants who are just growing

live dolls who only breathe.

the one that looks like me    (you see)

has blue eyes

dark bruised

knees.

the one that looks like me   (of course)

the onlyone

can’t breathe.

now somewhere in this ;;summer;;land;;

with flowers sprouting teeth

           I am living fine right where

I cannot even breathe?