Only motivation to
                           

                            run off from all this.
 
                                             My escape,
       

                                                yours.

they tell us this world is all for the taking
and they mention the future is ours
then it's quiet, the door shuts,
we're locked, and it's,
...",darling, just in the house".

NOWNOWNOW

Now it's a hailing storm of chaos
and that's all contained within.
Now I'm screaming for release,
but you know it's under my skin.
Now I'm trying to get a start,
to run from the walls I've built.
But they catch me and bruise me,
taking my head,
they're after me
they will win.

You know who.

Underneath a concrete sky, my darling, darling girl, I'd shield you from the hailing stones, from the fire and the burns. In the city jungle, scraping at the edge of reality and sanity...I'd hold you back from jumping, which is definitely the reason I have not jumped myself. But wouldn't you say I'm too caring? Wouldn't you say that's a little too sweet? Wouldn't you smack the backside of my head and tell me to fucking go home?

No, you wouldn't. You'd leave me outside for a second while you grabbed something to keep us safe, and then you'd make it your job to keep the demons off. You'd fight them unarmed and I'd be worthless, I'd be quivering and my hands would be shaking and my legs shaking and my head and my heart and my entire existence would tremble at the edge of breaking so easily... And you'd step back, having killed them, but they'd be back and someone would need to kill them again otherwise they might kill me. Or worse. They might kill you.

And yet you wouldn't leave me. If the world was ending, if it was all my fault, ....but wait. You left. You're gone. 

You're gone and everything has changed and everyone. 

You're gone and I'm still here, suffering beneath the sky of...something. I wouldn't know. I'm looking down. I wonder how far it is, I think. The fall. 

And my toes are over the edge and the wind is at my face and your hand is on my shoulder trying to keep me from jumping over... 

but what can you do from way over there?

You're gone and everything's different now. 

I might as well be dead. 

Red Bird

Red Bird Red Bird
Calling for your mate
Munching on the bread in trees
Is your darling late?
Is she off flying somewhere
in the sky, is she?
Cry Bird Red Bird
You're last to die indeed.

in the hospital

the beautiful words we once created so we could talk...well now we're lining them up inside our hearts because we feel so alone. The point of the words was communication, wasn't it? but who's using them to speak anymore.
We're using them to complain,
to cry.
To explain just how alone we feel,
when really, just outside...

I mean, they really are a beautiful thing, words. In themselves, a coded poet lying inside our worded thoughts.
Animals, do they have them?
Does the sky?

But we're greedy, and as easy as it is to say hello, to say goodbye...
we're greedy and we're silent, and we abuse our creations.
There's so much beauty in our words,
but could there be more in the silence?

wake UP

And to the people who said I'd never make it
thanks. You're probably right so you might as well shoot me now
because there's absolutely NO CHANCE I'll make it past this moment,
right? It's impossible for me to do anything
but do you actually understand that you and I have very different ideals? Do you get that I'm only looking for a roof somewhere else and a field, and some paper? Some paper, a pen, some charcoal. I'm looking for the nights where I'll sit by the fire, and you're looking for the newest gadgets in your pocket, the newest the best... YOU CAN LOOK FOR MONEY AND FAME AND you can look to be sane
but you and I have very different ideals indeed.

Death, you see as dying. And dying you see as bad but
we die every day. Parts of us fall and our skin regenerates, and EVERY NIGHT YOU DO WAKE UP
right? Right but now tell me how that's not dying

and tell me
how because I'm not living
and I haven't succeeded

BUT DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW
anything? For me to live this far

okay so we go so far and we'll have so far to venture yet (from here)
but I'm surprised I'm not already
"dead".

The hours between 7:30am and 9:00pm seem worse and worse every second and counting down the minutes isn't helping me at all. I wanted to be more stable, not less. I wanted to be able to wake up in the morning with less regret than more, and last night was in fact another nightmare.
ANOTHER.
This isn't helping at all.

longfellows

Around every corner, oh. Every time a light flashes, every time we move an inch...fuck. 

I'm waiting on it, letting the fear build up and

it's only getting stronger.

The anticipation is killing me

just take me already. 

The empty frame...
it's an image the whole world works for
but I guess they haven't realized
it's nothing.
Atoms.
But they never put the picture in
what a clever little fucking trick.

...but

The ivory skin of monsters

an ivory adolescent

in the words I cannot say.

"I love you...but." 

BUT and I don't

and I'm sorry. 

The iron bars as I sleep holding me back from waking entirely.
They tell me to "wake up! wake up!"
but I cannot,     will not                      understand that within these shaded eyes I'm harsher
inside.         Understand that I am not all right
and              more now as opposed to then
I'm darker
inside;;    
like night
and everything sleeps at night.

This isn't enough anymore. Keep trying, they say, but for what?

Smashing the piano, and screaming. And that is the reality of my music now. TEARING up pages, and crying. That is the reality of my words. Silent solitude inside my heart, and trembling. That is the reality of my flight.
Who are we?-who am I?
What can you say that will make it better?- but this isn't your job and you feel trapped. I am sorry. I know those words are versatile, and seldom mean much, but they have my whole heart, if there's anything left.
I am so, so sorry you got pulled into this.
None of this is your problem.
I am not your problem.
I never was.

to them

EVEN IF IT'S SOMETHING SO LOUD. no one else seems to hear it. EVEN IF IT'S SOMETHING SO LARGE. no one else seems to see it. EVEN IF IT HURTS SO MUCH. no one ELSE seems to feel it at all. BUT EVEN THOUGH IT'S PERFECTLY REAL. to them it's just nothing

voice

No voice, louder than
well nothing because you're all gone.
and talking to yourself doesn't count as an audience,
even if you are many voices at once.
A chorus, but all they see is one person.

Trapper

Smaller than
these demons who are teeth and bones are raw
Sized by fear we're tiny
who are hiding from our scars.
Smaller than our stories
and our maps of wrinkled words.
Cameras and in ink we have been
pictured by the world.

and finding.

I've been a million miles away
someplace you'll never know
but what it takes to get there
is years of sailing boats.

Over the ocean and down the pool
past whirls of ravenous hate.
The thoughts you'll cross
along this path
are the ones you cannot take.

It's people in shadows and monsters in trees
with cats and with claws and with multiple mes.
I you cannot take it I think you should leave.
These are not real people but our thoughts unleashed.

Now that you mentioned I have gone mad past flickering lights
and past ticking clocks. Now that you ask I figure you're RIGHT
that's what this is but this is the fear we from hide. So tell me please
who's after my socks; tell me who's after what think I have thoughts
tell me who's chasing my toes are on fire-- and tell me before my
tan map should expire.
Lest I get more lost before I get found.
Dogs are just wolves and people just hounds--
they told me in aeons that people are dead
but what are these thoughts which say NOW in my head?

When I was out of things to say

To feel like asking them just now, if they care...asking them to say something before I let go because
it's different now. It's unbearable now. It's after me now like a lion hunting, like a wolf cashing.
it's different now
how the distance has us fooled, how the memories have us caught in spider webs of auto-play.
How I have no control, oh god it's so different and I just feel like begging you

to care just this once so I don't do it.
So I leave myself alone because I need that. Isolation. Mistaken for...human, I think that's what they said.
But they misunderstood me. I could go right now. I could JUST LET GO but
as always you're holding me back.
Of course I scare myself. I'm scared, and tired of being cryptic because I can't do it anymore. Any of this.
It isn't screaming that's after me now
it's screaming that chases it out.
The whispers are fucking silent but my bones are like electric gravity
falling down
and

I'm falling too
but a bit too far
to recover.

And I

To describe you I really need a smile
and red roses without their thorns.
Like a monster you're screaming
inside my head. my heart is torn, torn
torn.
To describe you I really need a beat
and a melody on fragile keys.
You are the armour that keeps me safe
the skin that's surrounding me.
But to hold you I of course need life
something burned in the fires I've passed.
I am hiding, hoping I can change
or praying this moment will last.
Ten more seconds I think
before I die, and it's obviously going to be fine.
If you keep me conscious long enough
I promise I'll try not to cry.

over you

Like a monster eyes glowing
breaking everyone.
me.
I'll break me.

Parasite love

I remember when you promised me we'd get books written in memory
of our greatness. The claims you held close to your heart about fame
and fortune. The lies you told according to the things I will always
seek. Oh, of course I remember what you said in that letter, too
That letter you wrote me? "But I don't know if..." IF. You...
do know ifs haunt me, right? If, if, if. It's all people ever
say these days, and I am growing so tired. See me, 
I'd begged. Do you see me now, though? Can
you ever look at me again? I  know I can't
but you're my armour, my skin. I am
embedded in you like a parasite
of course you should get me
out. Purify your wounds
but...you love me?
& I love you.
Which is
probably why
I go looking for
you, in boys and girls
with a death wish. It's got
to be the reason for all my wrong
doing, the threats I wish upon myself?
She told me she was half my type, by love
but not by sight, because I guess it really matters
what we look like outside out. Facing the world, oh
definitely. She'd always said to drink up and wake up, like
something was wrong with dreaming. So I promised her the stars
because good girls always land among the stars. In heaven, but I was
                                                                                                         never good enough for heaven, non.

24

If there's a flame she said
let it burn until it catches
The curtains and inklings
of elsewhere you hold
so dear
ly in your head.
If you're so lucky as to
have a flame
let it burn the ghosts you find owning you
the past
the nothings that haunt you.

I have a flame
she told me once
I didn't believe her but look who escaped?

Nothing isn't the answer
there is no answer.

Mother Earth

We've given our hearts to the stars, we say, and kick dirt over bones
grows grass over graves.
We've given our soul to the moon and mars, but we do not care,
for the planet that's ours.

FOR RAYCHEL

Nature
winds undo me
cobwebs stirring
spiders grazing
like cattle    it's one  black  demon
with red rosy belly --like Santa
Carosel    How do you spell
the monsters in my head
grazing my thoughts
on
endless fields
they wield
like cows with straw
they're gone
mindless

                     a
mindless I

thoughts (they ate;

heavily under

How do I fight the fog that consumes me?
Nothing's raw, but sealed over wounds
silver scars
in battle to fight
there's no one to kill
it's dull it's bleak it's faceless
who am I fighting?

The darkness, light--no
this is GREY area
where everything is choiceless
continuation:of the last five years
thenextfive years
everything is mixed and stirred and restless
moving inchbyinch

I am Stillness
                     (pleased to meet you mr.NOBODY)
                      let's give in

HERE

We'll do our best to forget

the stormy nights 

where time had stopped

If you promise not to remember

when I said those

three

small

words

raw. r

Well outgoing? -well that's great? -well we're screaming?
it's too late.

Moonlight

From under the water

I opened my eyes

and pastfuturepresent

removed it's disguise

of death and of dying,

oh what a surprise

my lungs were still working

like sunshine at night. 

the world is ending over here

Calmly, to yourself, "these flames aren't real and they can't hurt me."

Summerbility

Somewhere in summerland

(summer of paper

dolls on 

string)                             I have my very own

sumerhouse

with a summer garden

summer flowers

summerthingreal. (it’s a summerthing)

and somewhere in my summer dollhouse

sings summer tunes on shelvings

with plants who are just growing

live dolls who only breathe.

the one that looks like me    (you see)

has blue eyes

dark bruised

knees.

the one that looks like me   (of course)

the onlyone

can’t breathe.

now somewhere in this ;;summer;;land;;

with flowers sprouting teeth

           I am living fine right where

I cannot even breathe?

Daisy flower

I found my flattened daisy flower
in the notebook I was talking about July 6th, 2010.
A Tuesday.

It's still marvellously sweet.

To the silence

Splash your heart against the canvas

and burn it.

Print your desires along the lines

and erase every word.

Sing your lungs out from what's left in your grasp

to nothing.

It just isn't worth it

to speak anymore. 

Brick walls

It's just we want them smaller. Each brick a little thinner, but we still want the wall to be strong. Tall, past the skies, past the shining blue skies...with the sun beating down, we want shadows. We build our bricks smaller so maybe sun will seep in, but I think we're building our walls way too high.
All this is just another brick in the wall, all the little gestures and denial. I'm telling you not to touch me, because if you did, it would all come crashing down and crush me.
You're only playing into the trap
and I swear it's going to kill me.

Crumbling sanctuary

the woods were dark and shaded

by trees with nasty teeth.

Grinning birds

with sharpened claws

were after, after me. 

the paths had long but faded from

the deer,

no longer breathe.

but here in time, 

with crumbling walls,

we found our sanctuary. 

The Atmosphere

I know it's true that 

among the silver moon

we'll love.

And tainted 

by the grasping branches

we'll still try to run.

But hands will reach

from blackened arms

on trees

we'll have to bear the storms

in rain I'll fall

if it means you

escape the burns.

Oh goody goody gosh.
If you were a zombie I'd still kiss you.

Bluebird in a shell

More and more I feel small
a bluebird in a monster,
with scales and teeth,
it's just a shell.
It's the echoes of
empty space you see,
I cannot breathe,
I cannot breathe,
does that makes this hell?

Alligator Bank

Wake
too empty te fall asleep
What's yours is mine to keep
The kids
are going
to die

Take
We only want one thing
you're in if you can bring
the soul
we've never
SEEN

WeVe done this to ourselves
the secrets we account
at the alligator bank

We've done this to ourselves
the lies so loose we held
we've only got our scales to thank.

an explanation is years

Illness, it seems, it like getting an oddly wrapped present at your doorstep from an unknown friend. But probably that isn't specific enough for anyone that isn't ill-luminated. We're like a wolf pack in the woods with our teeth in blood.
Illness is the addiction rolling down our tongue.

illness.

It's like you know they fixed you and that's all they're ever going to do, because you are broken a hundred times in the very same places. They are combing over the wounds with fresh ice to numb them. But the ice burns, and stings, and the sharp edges graze the raw seams and rip them open subtly.
It's like they're telling you over and over again you are fixed. You are. Fixed, fine, all better. They're saying the cancer is gone when really it's hiding further in your soul. They're telling you lies to get paid, and there isn't anything you can do.
Why are they wearing white coats? Is it to prove they're not the ones spilling your blood?-because that's a lie. They're taking your blood in small glasses like vampires. They're drinking away your problems, but you're not even allowed to.

It's like they told you they fixed me but they didn't, and now you're mad because I'm not better.
You ask me what's wrong when they said it was all gone.
You ask me over and over
and over
what's wrong
what's wrong
what's wrong.

What's wrong with me? Cancer. Poison. 


Torture in my own head, locked tight. Who turned out the lights?


What's wrong with me?

Not me, anymore. Don't say "me". 

Someone Else's Trash

Someone could rock my soul to sleep
and leave me dreaming in the street.
Someone take my body far
and leave my clothing in the car.
Someone cut my bed sheets up
burn my letters into dust
someone someone, all of them
someone kill my po-ssessions.
Someone twist my last words round
leave my letters in the ground.
Someone take me far away
someone, quick, before today.
Someone someone, now is fine
before I'm dead, before the night.
Someone, shit... I just won't last-
leave my life back in the trash.

Explain it to me

Thoughts under construction you said,

"Only ten more minutes dear."

But don't I know it when I see it

Windows and glass and breaking so clear.

The sea parted by your hand you claim

because it knew what you knew.

But why the fuck should I believe you

when you don't even bother to explain. 

No, heads under water, monsters with bellies

breathing our air and we start to get jealous.

Thoughts on the rugs and our tights and our drinks

I've been watching you close to hear what you think.

The problem is me, I'm guessing by now.

You speak your thoughts clear thought I just don't see how

when you are alone you're crying and fucked

but with other people you're cool calm and--

When it's just us I ask you to talk

so the silence can't scream and the air cannot suck

at the thoughts in my head when I ask you to speak

I want to know how you got way too deep.

But with heads under water and 

words even farther

I can't seem to find my own ground...

and you laugh and you twist my words 

over my wrist

and you tell me not to make a sound...

And just beyond that you're lonely, you're cold

you're running from ghosts that are wrinkled and old.

You ask me to wait up when you're far ahead

I might, I just can't...I don't understand.

And just thrice again I beg you explain

the words and the air and the girl who's not sane.

You're laughing with eyes that are red beyond blood

I'm screaming the words as we swim through the mud.

And again I can't ask what we're doing right here

with no ground and no air and no fear fear fear fear.

Again I can't ask how we got this chin-deep

when you're sinking and drowning and I'm blind like a sheep.

Down in the dungeons where we so echo loud

Our SCREAMS and our THOUGHTS and our

heads are not proud.

Just explain it all clear like a glass in the night.

I'm waiting for love to tuck me in tight.

Can't be fucked
cannot be fucked.

In the woods

In the woods there's clothing stacked by dust
our hearts are growing open.
In amongst the trees and moon we're stars,
we glow, we darken.
At night we're tiring ghosts and fire
we cook our food on coal.
But in the woods we're safe amongst
the darkness, dead and full.