Barely smiling...

Wow.

Wow, because how do you handle everyone around you not wanting to be there anymore?

Wow, because I didn't know she was still cutting. It's making me sick to my stomach.

Wow, because I'm so happy right now, how are you. You're happy, right?

Wow, because you should have taken her with you. Don't leave her out. You're not allowed to be alone, to be happy. You're not allowed to do anything you want, if it doesn't include her. If she can't have it, too.

Wow, because I'm sinkingsinkingsinking with my weight.

Wow, because he wants to kill himself, too. Yes, he's eight. But he's not happy, either.

Wow, because EVERYBODY'S CRYING

DYING

AND SURELY...

not trying.

Wow.

Wow, because everyone is plasticfake.

Wow, because no one sees anything.

Wow, because I'm upset.

Only, how is that a surprise?

Why would that matter?

Wow, because she wants to kill herself, and he wants to kill himself, and so does she, and she, and she, and she...etc, etc, etc...

Wow.

Everyone's sosad sosad.

So

sad.

Shit.

It's actually getting to me, but it's still all about you.

All of you.

I'm one in 6 billion, not any more important than anyone else.

In fact, maybe even a little less.

But I'm going to go to school on Monday, no breakfast, no lunch, no dinner, with our lab work done, and having studied for our French test. I'm going to walk in, barely smile, say I'm tired, nod my head, pretend to listen and follow the bells that tell me where to go.

I'm going to act surprised when you show me another row of cuts. Raise my eyebrows, listen to you tell me why you're sad. I'll narrowly avoid passing out in class, from the zero sleep I've gotten lately. And then I'll stumble home, after numbly ignoring every comment and giggle.

And then another round in the boxing match, because I get to fight with you for the computer. And I get to walk upstairs, biting my tongue, pretending my eyes don't sting and my throat isn't burning. I'll get my anger out, go pick up my 8 year old brother from daycare, even when his mother should be doing that. And then I'll go for a really long bike ride, MAYBE on my own, unless you invade that, too.

And maybe...maybe if I'm lucky enough, I'll get to fall asleep and drown for two hours!

But don't forget throughout this, I'll be getting tiny periodic beeps and buzzing reminders that...

She's not happy, he wants to die, she's still cutting, she's puking. She won't eat, he can't stand his life, you're falling off the edge, pulling me with you and we're all just fucking upset.

That, Lucy's cutting up her skin, Bryan's burning his. Alex won't eat, Damian keeps puking, Suzie already killed herself, Dan's thinking about it, Miley can't stop him from touching her, Macayla is only holding out for me to save her...if I can.

That... no one's happy. No one's happy, no one wants to live, and when they die, I still have to go to school and smile.

Barely smile.

Wow.

Actually, no. Not wow. That's normal for me.

How do you handle it?

"Handle what?"

Handle going through whatever it is YOU'RE going through.

"What do you mean?"

I don't know.

What do I mean?