Lovely day.

It's one of those days where I just really want to curl up in a corner, hugging my knees. And I WANT to cry, let tears wash away everything else. But I haven't cried -and I mean really cried- in about four months. Or...wait. No. It's been longer than that.
But.
The anthem for today is Between the Bars by Elliott Smith. Oh, so quiet, so sad.
So comforting, because I feel like it fits. And I love when things fit.

Actually.
The last time I remember crying -a really good, nice, satisfying cry- was two years ago, after my best friend moved away. I remember her calling, telling me she left a day early, so I wouldn't be able to see her that day.
I wouldn't be able to say goodbye, because she was already
gone.
And that hurt. That hurt so much, I went home, and cried for five hours straight.
Hard, ugly sobs, that eventually subsided into these small, pathetic huffs with a wet face.

No, I wasn't happy then, but I'm not any happier now.

Mrs.Teacher decided she'd bombard me in my last period of the day and make me take a test that went past the end-of-school bell. And of course, she was angry with me for not bringing in homework/showing up to class/doing ANYTHING. And of course, also, she decided she'd rant to me about why I'm going to fail. About how I'm ruining my future, and she can't help me if I don't let her.
All this, all these words...
Fuck her and her stupid words and her stupid, stupid, pointless help.


These words hurt.
All words are starting to hurt.

But.
My friend managed to make me play badminton in gym today. Somehow, she managed to make me play it. And it was fun. And I enjoyed that.
But then...

Then I went home, and I realized Mrs.Teacher is right.

I am going to fail life. I am going to die early, no money, no food, no shelter. I am going to be upset, and depressed, and in a terrible mind-state.

Hey, but what is this?


And I realized, that... my friends all left me awhile ago.
They left. I lost them. My sister left, I lost her. My mother, my father, my brother...left. Everyone's gone, but who really mattered?

My best-friend knew me.
She really knew me. And she didn't care when I was ugly, when I coughed, when I choked. She didn't care when I fell, or if I needed help back up. She didn't spend every moment making me feel guilty as shit.
She cared for me...
Cares, for me. She cares, but she's gone too.

I just want to know who I have left.
Who I can still count on.

Not. Even. Myself.