My thoughts

I realized today how hopelessly sad I am.

I already knew I was sad, I mean, but I realized just how sad I am.
I was talking to someone from Before.
And talking to them, their humour, their happy-life...it all Reminded me.

I remember the times when I was sad over little things. Over losing something like a sweater in a park, or getting in a fight with my friend, or falling off of something and getting hurt.
The days when losing something was not my virginity, when getting in a fight with my friend did not mean they carved my name into their skin with a razor, and I didn't wish to fall off of something and get a cut so big I bled to death.

It's interesting.
I realized that before, if someone told me they sliced their skin up and smeared the blood across the pages in their notebook, I'd be scared. Scared, worried. I'd think they were horribly twisted, before.
But I've done that now. I don't even consider it anything.

Before, I didn't even think it was possible to get so sad you can't cry anymore. I didn't think things like rape happened, really. I knew they did, but they didn't, really.
I didn't think people carved things into themselves, or died, or killed themselves, or got killed in hit-and-runs, or lost friends or craved death or got admitted to psych wards or went to hospitals to be fixed.
I thought those happened, I mean. But not to my life. My life included fighting with friends, going out, having fun and laughing.
It included drinking slushies and going to the beach and for bike rides and hanging out in front of the school.
And talking, and smiling.
And most of all,
being happy.

Now eating is a choice, cutting is a must, talking doesn't happen, simple as that, and everything is fucked.
But not literally.

I was happy before, I think.
I remembered the feeling today.

I think I'm falling apart.

Falling apart, breaking down, deteriorating until I'm completely out of my mind.

I realized how twisted things got without me realizing. How sad, how pathetic.

I realized today that I am nowhere close to happy, to normal, to fine.

I want to kill myself so badly.
That's not okay. 


None of this is okay.
I need to stop.